“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
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Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?
me: how many spiders am I allowed?
airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti