My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
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[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
Thanks to a fan for this one!
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
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Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.
If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.