Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
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She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry