Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
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my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.