Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
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[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
If only
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards