DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
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Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey