My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
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[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)