[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
You Might Also Like
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994