me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
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Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns