Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
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I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.