Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
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I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
I identify as an antique shop.
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.