Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
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Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
I am a gravy boat captain
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?