“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
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Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
Britain be like
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?
Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?
Me: Yes.
Husband:
Me:
Husband: No, I did not.
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.