Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
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A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.
He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.
I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.