Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
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[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.