I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
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The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
Me (answers phone): HELL-o
Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83
Me: Please leave a message
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid