“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
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My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”