I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
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Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
A leaf blower, but for people.
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.