”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
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[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
reduce, reuse, recycle
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client