13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
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Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh