I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
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Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
social media jobs be like:
Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?
Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business
£13k, Slough
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.
They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.
Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.
anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
*pronounces surface like Versace*
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.