If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
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A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
My 17-year-old bought us dinner and now he’s making brownies and we’re about to watch a movie together.
I don’t even care what crime he committed to inspire this good behavior, I just hope they don’t catch him anytime soon.
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.