okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
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Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought