I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…
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them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly