My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
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It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.