tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
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*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.