I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
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Effort made
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles