Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
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Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?
Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*
*i did
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!