As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
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Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
ME: i trained this chicken to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: what’s a male deer
CHICKEN: buck
ME: how much is 200 pennies
CHICKEN: buck buck
HER: this sucks
ME: it gets better
CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….