If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
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The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
A friend sent me this.
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?