[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
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Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
this… may be the greatest story ever told
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER