Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
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*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
This forever.
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
Saving my good tweets for marriage
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible