[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
You Might Also Like
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
had to share :’)
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.