My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
You Might Also Like
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
goldfish mafia
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem