Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
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PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
stand with me against insufficient seating
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
Mornin
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”