At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
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Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
When you’re here for the treats.
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.