*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
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Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.
[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud