I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
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Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
Air pods looking like an angry frog
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.