No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
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[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection