Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
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The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
giddy up Office Depot
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
This dude got his own movie?
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.