My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
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ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
quarantine day 3
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
no one likes gloating
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.
8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!