Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
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[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.
i did the math
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh