So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
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Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
yeet
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting