Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
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I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busyFriend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
Dating Tips.
C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.