Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
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Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.