The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
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A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.