Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
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1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
i really liked this one
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g