My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
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Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court