If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
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Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*