Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
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[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
God making man in his image was the original selfie
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing